Chapter 48
Caleb
“The baby didn’t make it,” the doctor calmly meets my eyes, knowing he has broken my spirit and that nothing he says can change that, yet he apologizes, “Tim sorry for the loss of your daughter.”
Leah’s mother immediately falls down on the hospital floor with her hands going to her mouth. It’s as if she believes they can magically hold back the sob wanting to come out, but there no stopping the heartbreaking sound.
“The baby.” She whispers with tears running down her wide, shocked eyes. “I…I can’t believe this…” Her whole body shakes, and I watch her focus her gaze on the wall. I have a feeling staring at it is the only thing she can do in order not to break thoroughly. I don’t blame her for that reaction, but her husband’s response is different.
“This is your fault, you know,” he says with a shaken smile on his lips. There are tears in his eyes, too, but apparently, he has chosen war instead of grief. “If you hadn’t seduced my daughter none of this would have happened! She’d still be living at home, safe and healthy, not going through this nightmare!”
1 flinch at his accusation, the guilt and grief warring inside me. Part of me knows he’s right- if I had kept my distance from Leah, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant and endured this traumatic loss. But another part rebels against shouldering all the
blame.
“I loved her,” I choke out, my voice cracking when I think back to how happy Lean and I were in Tokyo. We messed with each other daily and my heart clenches. “I still love her,” I let those words hang in the air, realizing how, for the first time. just how much Leah means to me before I continue talking with brand–new eyes, “Leah and I didn’t have a casual one–tune hookup session. What we had meant something to me. I’m actually fairly convinced your daughter is the love of my life. I just didn’t realize that until it was too late. but I don’t have time to stand here and discuss this matter now.”
Leah’s father narrows his eyes. “And where the fuck are you going?!”
“Isn’t it obvious?!” I snap back at him. “I might have lost my daughter, but Leah is still alive, and she needs me!”
and turn
on my heels as fast as I can. My heart is racing and not even the doctor tries to stop me I don’t wait for a response when I head for the door meant for personnel only. I push through it, my feet carrying me swiftly down the sterile hallways until I reach the recovery ward.
A nurse tries to stop me by placing a hand on me, but I dodge her. “I need to see Leah Foster,” I demand, my voice raw with desperation. “Please.”
Something in my expression must convince her because she points to a room at the end of the hall. “She’s in there. But sir, she’s still heavily sedated and-”
I don’t wait to hear the rest. I rush to the door and push it open, my breath catching in my throat. There are many doctors inside with Leah, and they must know who I am because they hang their heads to avoid making eye contact.
I don’t blame the doctors for being afraid to look at me, though. Most of them are interns. They went to med school with the dream of wanting to help people, but here I am, the man who just lost his baby girl. It must be hard knowing nothing they say or do can help me.
But a grieving father isn’t all that I am. I’m also a man hopelessly in love with a woman–simply thinking about that makes memories from Tokyo flash on the big screen inside my head. Leah made me feel like a stupid teenager back when we lived in the big city. God knows I’m not, though. I’m old as hell and hail no business making a young woman like Leah pregnant.
child, but here we are.
with
my
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Chapter 48
I’m such an asshole for letting this happen.
“1.rah”
Call it stupid instinct, but saying Leah’s name is needed to keep the on my feet because it’s a physical kind of pain seeing her pale, unconscious body. She looks so painfully fragile, hookerl up to all the monitors.
It’s the scariest image I’ve ever seen. The love of my life is literally fighting death. I actually have to force my legs forward because all I want is to run and pretend this isn’t real. It’s a cowally thought, but it’s an honest one.
Then again, who hasn’t thought of running when everything seems hopeless? I’m a firm believer people aren’t strong because they have never had one of those thoughts–I think they are strong because they have had them but made the choice to stay regardless.
That’s why I sink into the chair beside Leah’s bed and carefully take her limp hand in both of mine. If I’m going to carve out any sort of relationship after everything that has happened, I can never leave her again. It’s time to grow a backbone and stop being a boy by letting the man she needs come through.
“I’m here, Leah.” I whisper before my voice breaks. There are so many emotions inside me that it’s a miracle I’m still functioning like a normal human being. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry we lost our little girl. But I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me now.”
The doctors and nurses quietly file out of the room, giving us privacy. I barely notice their absence. All my focus is on my beautiful Leah. I stroke her blonde hair back from her face, and that’s what makes me remember our first meeting:
“What are you doing here?”
“To see who it is I’m about to hire.”
1 smile at the memory. I was so cocky and arrogant towards Leah back then, something I wouldn’t be today when she holds my heart. Fuck. Is it possible to go back? Things were so much easier back then.
I sigh heavily, but it doesn’t ease up the heavy feeling in my hear. Minutes tick by and call me crazy, but I start talking to Leah. I ask her if she remembers our first meeting, and then I tell her how strong his and how we will get through this together even though I’m not sure we will.
I’m in incredible pain, but I need to tell Leah that we will get through this because there are powers in words–something I’m sure Leah knows as an author.
Hours later, Leah’s eyelids flutter open. I hold my breath, scared of what her first words might be. What am I supposed to say to her when I know how broken she must be?
“Caleb,” her tired eyes meet mine, and I move closer to her, immediately realizing how important this moment is.
“I’m here,” I tell her, squeezing her cold hand in mine. “I’m right here, Leah”
She blinks slowly as if trying to clear the fog from her mind. I can only imagine how dizzy she must be from the operation and losing our daughter. I can actually tell the moment she remembers because her hand drifts down to her now–empty belly, and a look of pure anguish crosses her face as the memories come flooding back.
“The baby,” she whispers brokenly. “Our little girl…she is gone, isn’t she?”
I can’t describe the pain I feel when I hear that sentence. Those words somehow make the nightmare more real. Pain is searing through my chest, and I can only nod at her, not trusting my voice.
9/23
19:19 Sat, FPD I
Chapter 18
Leah, however, won’t accept that answer. “Caleh,” she whispers in a pained voice. “I need..I need to hear you say it in order to believe it.”
My eyes water when I hear those words. How could they not? This is the most painful conversation I’ve ever had.
“Yes…” I whisper. “She is no longer with us but on her way to heaven.”
Leah’s face crumples at the word “heaven,” and a wrenching sobars from her throat.
“Heaven?” She covers her mouth with her hand. “Why is that word so painful to hear?”
My own tears start to run down my cheeks, and I gather Leah inny arms in the best way I can with all the wires and tubes connected to her. Her cries grow in volume with my hug while her hot tears soak my shirt, but I don’t care. I would gladly absorb all her pain and grief if I could.
“I’m so sorry, Leah,” I choke out. “I’m so fucking sorry”
Leah’s arms tighten around me. “It’s not your fault, Caleb…”
“I know, I bury my face in her hair. “I just don’t know what else to say… Fuck, if I could bring her back, I would do it in a heartbeat, no matter the cost”
Leah doesn’t respond. Instead, she clings to me, her body shaking with the force of her sobs. I stroke her hair while holding her but say nothing. What can I possibly say to case the agony of losing our child? There are no magic words to take away this kind of pain.
Lean and I are in our own personal hell. I recognize this pain–I felt it when I lost my first daughter, and that’s when I rememberi father’s words: “When you’re in hell, the only way out is to keep walking. It’s the hardest thing you must do in life if you wish to survive. Every strong person who has faced hardships has done it, but that doesn’t make it any easier.”
Those are the words that kept me going the first time I went through the pain of losing a child. Now I just hope Leah and I can do the same thing: keep on walking.
It won’t be easy. Not when it feels like all the world’s colors have turned grey. I haven’t lost just one daughter, but two in this lifetime. Its heartbreaking, but I can’t break, not when Leah is already broken. I have to be strong for us because someone needs to be, or we won’t make it.
Ө
AD
